FOX News Sunday With Chris Wallace:

Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but the American Petroleum Institute is full of shit.

Broadcast:  22 September 2013
Channel:  FOX
Conglomerate:  News Corporation
What Advertisers Think of You: You are a considerate investor who likes other FOX shows, especially the local news, and knows that America’s clean energy future is best built with oil, lots and lots of oil.

Total Ad Time: ~ 12m:00s
Commercial Airtime: 20%

Four old white guys and a token young woman: You’re watching FOX.

I was gonna make fun of Stephanopoulos today, but they were doing “breaking news” for that mall attack in Kenya.  FOX has the good tabloid sense not to care about that and rolls with their usual lineup, including Ted Cruz and Donald Trump’s daughter.

Break 1:  2m:30s

1. Charles Schwab hired an impossibly successful looking actor to pretend to be a hard working “Chief Technology Officer” whose take charge attitude will not allow him to accept investment advice from just anyone.  Don’t you want the same financial advice as this fictionally successful person?
2. Oh, not again, it’s the fucking British Petroleum commercial where they use the word “commitment” a bunch of times.  The reality: “BP And The State Of Louisiana Are Basically At War”.  Fuck you, BP.  Fuck you.
3. A savvy small businessman uses UnitedHealth Group to insure the house painters he employs.  That’s right: house painters with health insurance, what fresh socialism is this?
4. It’s that Carbonite ad where the husband plays hooky from his wife.  Man I’m sick of this commercial.
5. FOX selfie for the new Sleepy Hollow show.  And, yes folks, that is Orlando Jones.

Break 2:  4m:30s

1. Fracking commercial that uses the phrase “even more clean jobs” with the perfectly duplicitous and earnest attitude that you only get from thoroughly amoral people.  “Paid for by the American Petroleum Institute”, indeed.
2. Barclays would like to be your bank, provided that you found a business that goes public, have your picture for the “Merger of the Year” on the cover of a fake business magazine, and then donate a bunch of money to a college where people graduate in front of a brick wall.  The poor actor they hired to play this vigorous example of modern capitalism doesn’t even get a line, he just looks bemused as all of these things happen to him.
3. FOX selfie for America’s Kids Got Cooking (or Masterchef Junior, whatever).
4. FOX local affiliate selfie.
5. Huntington Bancshares with an ad where one of their employees, who’s dressed in a green sweater vest, picks up a customer’s dropped wallet and tracks her down as she unknowingly rides away on a bus.  It’s a cute little idea, but there’s no need for the chase.  When she dropped her wallet he was standing two feet from her, he could’ve just handed it to her.
6. Kohlberg & Company would like you to use the wiper blades of one of the many companies they own.
7. Back to back FOX affiliate selfies.  Local news starts at 4:30 in the morning now.

Break 3:   3m:00s

1. Another ad in Chevron’s bullshit “We Agree” campaign where they hired actors to pretend to be young and liberalish looking folks who know that the American economy needs people “making stuff”:
   That’s “Ann” on the left and “Mike” on the right.  Note the not quite Rock the Vote shirt he’s wearing.  Nice touch.
2. Prudential wants you to be able to do what you love tomorrow by investing your money today.  To prove this they had a bunch of people write their goals on a bright yellow wall that, once filming was complete, they probably tore down before sunset.  Ouch.
3. The guy who founded eHarmony is in a commercial where he keeps being a third wheel on people’s dates.  At one point, a couple that’s snuggled together on a couch breaks apart so he can sit in the middle and eat popcorn.  It’s weird.
4. Quick tease for their publicity interview with Trump’s daughter.
5. FOX selfie for The Ultimate Fighter on their new sports channel.
6. Panera commercial with a bunch of little Rube Goldberg devices that would be more impressive if they looked like they actually worked.
7. Another affiliate selfie for the local news.

Break 4:  2m:00s

1. It’s BP’s commitment commercial again.  In case you’re scoring at home, that means that every single commercial break has had at least one ad from our friends in the oil and gas industries.  Climate disruption what now?
2. Marky Mark again for the Wounded Warrior Project and a guy who got severely injured in Iraq.  It’s much too simplistic to say that disaster was just about oil, but there’s no denying the cruel irony of this ad going back-to-back with one for BP.